1001 Nights Cast

The train is slowing as it pulls into Keleti Central, Budapest. The platform is dotted with women in aprons holding signs: Zimmer Frei; Chambre Libre; Room Free. But I don’t want to do that—to go and sleep in the house of someone I don’t know. Regina says everyone does it and it’s perfectly safe. But I want a hotel. A room with a key and no need for small talk in broken English with our hosts. So we check out the list of hotels at the tourism office in the station. But there’s nothing close and not much available and the only one within our budget is above a disco on the road out of town and, according to the person behind the counter, in the rough part of the city. So we go outside to discuss our next step. We are both completely buggered and really hot.

A man carrying a black satchel comes over to us and asks us if we are looking for a room. I blurt out ‘No’, but Reg says ‘Yes’, at the same time. So he’s naturally a bit confused. He says ‘Because I have room. Actually whole apartment. Very cheap. You can have if you like. My name Dibby. It my auntie flat. Nice area. Close. I take you there. If you like, you sleep there.’ Then he flips open the flap on his satchel and reveals a map and points at a red dot. ‘This is flat’. A bit too smooth in my opinion. Reg says, ‘Let’s go look’. She is sure it’s fine. I’m not at all convinced by Dibby’s act and figure this will end badly with us drugged and photographed nude with goats but Reg is already walking out of the station with Dibby.

We have to take the tram and he tells us it’s in the Jewish quarter and so of course it’s very nice. In the tram Reg is chatting with her new best friend—small talk about the city’s architecture and good places to see. But I’m staring really hard at Dibby, giving him my tough, cold, don’t-think-you-can-fuck-with-us-mate look. He looks from evil me to friendly Reg and is again confused. Reg looks like she might laugh. I don’t care. I’m working on bluffing him, to scare him out of any funny ideas. I reckon it’s working too cause he stops looking at me.

We get to the flat. It’s okay. But it’s obviously not his aunt’s flat. Everything is way too masculine. I reckon it’s his place. Reg has settled on a price with him on the tram, tells him, ‘It’s fine’, and ‘We’ll take it for a night’. Dibby gives us a phone number in case there is a problem or we want to stay another night. Fat chance. After he goes I open the cupboards and find one is full of men’s shoes. Proof. Reg says I should relax and so what if it’s his place—he’s just trying to make a buck.

We shower and walk back to the centre of the city to eat. I can’t enjoy my food cause I’m sure there are a bunch of drunk Hungarians playing cards back at our flat waiting for us to return so they can have their way with us. But the flat is empty when we get there and the booby trap I left so we’d know if anyone had entered in our absence is untouched. We get into bed and Reg starts snoring almost immediately. I stay awake all night listening for the sound of Dibby’s key turning in the front door. Reg wakes refreshed and smug. I feel like a dickhead but can’t bring myself to admit I was worried about nothing.

Okay, so this time we were lucky. And when the waiter in Hamburg offers us a complimentary schnapps I still pour mine into the vase on our table.