The social life of language is a real ballforget dowdy. Excitable speech gets all dolled up with eye-catching details and eclectic pieces, goes out on the town and sluts around. Words are using us to talk to themselves in an orgy of foreplay before the bell rings for close of trading. Its all over the traps: apologies and denials, amplifications, distinctions, retractions, refusals. The gossip goes something like this: sleazy, dummy-spitting little git, twit, pompous ass, complete drop-kick, gutless goose, or snivelling grub*all delivered with this obligation-free quote: Up shit creek without index or concordance, a knock out blow is the best protection.
What the world needs now is largely known: more complex and interesting human beings, debt solutions that work. Confession is a good investment, providing indemnity at call. As the forger says to Morse, People want to marvel. Fake only disappoints when found out. Appearances are everything. Sincerity is the best disguise, but always remember: secrecy is the best policy. Equivocation works well as a method, as in the recommended answer to the following question: Is poetry dead? Its not for everyone. This is not to gainsay the attraction of declaratives, though they should be counter-intuitive. For example: Tall is small here, as the girl at Starbucks explains in a confidential tone. On the other hand, there is always a place for stating the obvious, as in Certain environmental problems wont go away, and offering unwanted advice, like Make sure your apartment grows with you might work in a real fix. Sometimes, of course, youre just completely knackered, metabolically speaking, and then its all over bar the shouting and no snake-charming skills will save you.
Written on the wind was what? Some kind of promise or prediction? The evening news suspects the worst. The next days are rumoured to bring only frustration, but Im an optimist, I want to be hopeful, I want to look forward to what might now be possible. I want to make the most of model misbehaviour.
Oh what a feeling! Its all happening at the intersection of rhetoric and reality. Im running out of words to try to say whats what
as high as a kiteas drunk as a skunkas free as a birdas pretty as a pictureas thick as a brickas stupid as a painter
I was here
as ugly as sinas red as a roseas black as inkas hot as hellas cold as iceas mad as a cut snake
I saw how it was
as nice as pieas sweet as sugaras neat as a pinas wide as the skyas clear as dayas deep as the deep blue sea
Im trying to tell you
as dull as ditchwateras warm as toastas right as rainas smooth as silkas soft as doughas tough as an old boot
So youll get the picture
as fit as a fiddleas full as a googas happy as Larryas rich as Croesusas poor as a church mouseas like as two peas in a pod
See what I mean?
as wet as wateras weak as pissas thick as thievesas pleased as punchas nutty as a fruitcakeas snug as a bug in a rug
Ill fill you in on all the details
as rough as gutsas clear as mudas fickle as fateas clean as a whistleas round as a rissoleas plain as the nose on your face
That way youll understand
as blind as a batas deaf as a doornailas dead as a dodoas stiff as a boardas bitter as a pillas sure as night follows day
Exactly what was what
as safe as housesas mad as a meataxeas flat as a pancakeas sharp as a tackas deep as a wellas smooth as a babys bottom
Just give me the big picture
as light as a featheras heavy as leadas easy as pieas good as newas greedy as a pigas crooked as a dogs hind leg
Dont bore me with details
as tight as a drumas brown as a berryas bright as a buttonas pale as a ghostas good as doneas sincere as a polyester suit
Details only distract but
as white as a sheetas red as beetrootas quiet as a mouseas flat as a tackas sick as a dogas low as a snakes belly
Thats how it was
as pissed as a newtas stubborn as a muleas tense as a springas quick as a flashas cool as cucumberas long as a month of Sundays
It was justas I said
as sound as a bellas hard as nailsas dry as a boneas straight as a dieas camp as a row of tentsas smart as a silicon chip
As real as real can be
*All terms of abuse used by former Australian leader of the opposition, Kim Beazly, who was then forced to withdraw them in parliament, though snivelling grub was first used by Tony Abbott (Liberal party minister), then repeated by Julia Gillard (opposition). She was ejected; he wasnt.
Adapted for performance by Barbara Campbell from a story by Anna Gibbs.