Sorry, Im a bit sick, but Im gonna go ahead anyway. Im not close enough to infect you like this. Not nearly close enough.
Sorry I meant to digest this a bit more before I gave it to you, but all Ive been able to do is bite it apart. Thats better than nothing. Nick keeps telling me about footage he saw of a snake vomiting up a whole hippopotamus it had managed to swallow. It sounds pretty awful. Im gonna try to avoid that. But the snake must have really wanted to swallow it in the first place. He keeps telling me about this: I guess he forgot he told me already.
Its true youve been surrounded by death lately. It might seem like I havent noticed, but I have. I didnt know what to do about it yet. I went to the lake one night and sang on the end of the jetty, and I think that was for you. I leaned aginst the mooring pole and looked outit was like I was hovering just over the huge water, but I couldnt fall in. I didnt know I was doing it till it was almost over. No words in that song though, just sounds.
Soon after that I went underwateron the bottom of the pool and looking up. I forgot how hard it is to stay down there, my body wouldnt stay down. Water in the eyes, up the nose and hurting. I tried a few times. Probably why Im sick now. I think I was trying to remember not wanting to breathe. Okay to stop.
What else? Sorry, Im using molars not canines on this.
Ive been seeing a lot of blue around. I dont know about thatbut I think thats to do with you too. The lake and the pool were blue. And you held me up to the open sky that time to listen to birds, that was happy. This is not. Yes its your blue. I know you dont believe in anything more, just blank final finish. You told me that once, kind of casually, but that was before it happened. I prefer to imagine blue than black, so if you dont mind Ill do that for you. You also told me casually that all time was one timeyou said its all happening at once, though you didnt say where. I wish that would help you now. But I doubt it.
Are you okay? Im trying not to be clumsy. I dont know if I will ever show you this.
I read a story about learning to swim in a living room, in a desert town. By lying belly down on the carpet with your face pushed in a bowl of salt water. I read that. And I can believe it.
I know youve been crying a lot lately. Ive heard you down the line. Thats good. Its the only time I can hear you breathe. Breathing weirdly, but breathing, with water.
You told me you listened to the breathing stop. It stopped. You were there for that. I said thats good. You were listening.
Im sorry, these are not words, just sounds.
Sorry, Im all over the place. Ill make my way back to you soon.
Id like to see you. Listening is not enough. It hasnt been enough for years. But I am listening.